Out of Order

Candy in a Barrel will be on indefinite hiatus, which probably emeans that it will never return (at least until the author gets a serious influx of free time that doesn't come at the cost of his current salary).

Running two blogs is hard work, even if one of them is just a links page for people to fart around on all day.

And please, understand this: that I am not --- nor will i ever --- impugn farting around. I simply am running out of time each day to fart around on my own.

Take care, and perhaps we'll meet again (though probably not)

- John

An invention we need

“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish for a Mind-Blanking machine.”

VIDEO: Sometimes you spank the monkey; sometimes the monkey spanks you. Sparkwood & 21

BLOG: Deaf people must think the rest of us are awfully, awfully stupid. Logged Hours

VIDEO: This girl hilariously puts the “amateur” back in amateur stripping. Consumption Junction (thanks, Slack LaLane)

BLOG: You never know when you’re going to make the evening news. So, it’s probably best to not wear certain items outside the house. The Burgh Blog

BLOG: We know you mean well. We know you loved your mayor and mourn his loss. But, Pittsburgh, is waving the terrible towel at his funeral is, maybe, possibly, the best way to say, “goodbye”? (yes is apparantly the answer). The Burgh Blog

BLOG: Oh, the things you wish your friends had told you before you open your big, drunken mouth. Life Regurgitated for Your Chewing Pleasure

Easily amused

“No, I get it: ‘The difference is that alcoholics go to meetings'. It’s just not funny, is what I’m saying. I mean I get it: It’s on a sign and it’s in a bar. But what you don’t get is that you’re amused a little too easily. Retards are a little harder to impress.”

VIDEO: Where were you when they built the ladder to Heaven? (a reference to this episode of ‘South Park’) You Tube

BLOG: Ken dolls for the boys who liked to play with My Little Pony. Uffish

VIDEO: A bit 9/11-ed out? Then why not try to remember where you were when you were watching “Ren & Stimpy” and first heard the song, “Log.” Devil Lucky (thanks, yesbutnotbutyes)

BLOG: Boob season is officially over. (It’s all right to cry, if you want). The Letter D

BLOG: “Battleship” was a game meant for men to play while the women were scrubbing the poopdeck. The Sneeze

WIKIPEDIA: Possibly the greatest name of all time. Wikipedia

Hangovers and such

That hangover will go away. But the police report and anything where the word “actionable” can be used … well, that my friend, are memories that will always remain.

BLOG: Ever wondered what Lego porn would look like? Ever imagine that such a thing could be so funny and yet so NSFW? Lego (thanks, yesbutnotbutyes)

VIDEO: The reason crack cocaine is outlawed in this country. You Tube (thanks, Slack LaLane)

VIDEO: Ever wondered what a film adaptation of “Mary Worth” would look like? Well, if it’s filmed in black and white and mimics the comic strip panel by panel, kind of creepy. Zero TV (thanks, Boing Boing)

BLOG: Maybe you can’t find a place in your heart for Shakira, but maybe you can for the poor son of a bitch who’s got nothing else in this life but that damned CD. Waiter Rant

Loud, sexy talk

“Look, I’m in the middle of a couple of hundred strangers on the streets of New York and in a kind of bubble. So, I’m going to need to start talking over the phone VERY LOUDLY and VERY UNNECESSARILY about the sex lives of all two thousand students in our New Jersey high school.

You ready?”

BLOG: Great sex demands three things: Location, context, and bruises. The Girl Also Blogs

BLOG: Nancy Drew, Veronica Mars, and Miss Marple in The Case of the Patently Obvious. Overheard in New York

BLOG: When you see something longer than it is wide, that thing is said to be “phallic”. When that thing is hanging in the Metropolitan Museum of Art and is signed, “O’Keefe”, however, that thing is said to be … ? I Fling Poo

BLOG: The thing about spellcheck is that it never works if you never use it. East Village Idiot

VIDEO: If it's painful and humiliating and, more importantly, it takes place in Japan, then it‘s probably a game show? Logged Hours

BLOG: What a truly horrible, horrible advertisement. Not "Shoah" horrible, more like Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" horrible. copyranter

Hatin' on the 'rents

”So, what are you doing tonight?”

“I dunno. The check from my parents just came, so I thought I’d go out, buy a shitload of beer, drink it with some friends and end up yelling about how petty and bourgeois my parents are. Wanna come?”

BLOG: Wanted: Slave girl, willing to fuck the misses and the mister. Willing to pay above average wages and provide room and board. Must also take care of 6 month old. Grace Undressed

BLOG: When you’re a guy and you see lotion, toilet paper and a drain, your natural instinct is to, well, do what you usually do during those moments. So, what if it’s the bathroom at a dealership. fresh pepper

VIDEO: How to fuck with hippies using their beloved ‘peace’ sign. Mr. Fish

BLOG: Top ten quotes overheard in one restaurant by one very patient waiter this Labor Day weekend. Waiter Rant

BLOG: September is Mushroom Month in the great state of Pennsylvania. Or, to be precise, Not So Vaguely Phallic-Looking Mushroom Month. The Burgh Blog

VIDEO: Your deliciously evil link of the day: Watching fat kids scream for mercy is soooooo delightful --- hell, even the kid’s mother thinks so. Break.com (thanks, Slack LaLane)

Subway announcement

“Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to remind you not to leave any unattended bags on the subway.

Furthermore, please be advised that just because someone makes eye contact with you on the subway, doesn’t mean he or she is “in” to you (and please note, since you can’t see me, that I just made the air-quotes sign). People like to stare at other people for a variety of reasons and rarely is it due to sexual attraction.

So, please, keep your dignity --- not to mention your spotless criminal record --- and always remember to help keep New York safe.”

BLOG: Here’s a few chapters from a new children’s book on marijuana called, “It’s Just a Plant”. It’s Just a Plant (thanks, The Slumbering Lungfish)

VIDEO: Nine Inch Nails, S&M, homoeroticism, and Kirk & Spock. Devil Ducky (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

BLOG: The moment you compare their wine to a transient’s testicles, the people of Sonoma start treating you like an outcast. Vonnegut’s Asshole

BLOG: Can’t seem to get the local laundry to pay for the shirt they destroyed? These gentlemen have found the solution. El Guapo in DC