Candy in a Barrel

Out of Order

2006-09-19T22:17:00.000-04:00

Candy in a Barrel will be on indefinite hiatus, which probably emeans that it will never return (at least until the author gets a serious influx of free time that doesn't come at the cost of his current salary).

Running two blogs is hard work, even if one of them is just a links page for people to fart around on all day.

And please, understand this: that I am not --- nor will i ever --- impugn farting around. I simply am running out of time each day to fart around on my own.

Take care, and perhaps we'll meet again (though probably not)

- John

An invention we need

2006-09-12T14:38:00.000-04:00

“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish for a Mind-Blanking machine.”

VIDEO: Sometimes you spank the monkey; sometimes the monkey spanks you. Sparkwood & 21

BLOG: Deaf people must think the rest of us are awfully, awfully stupid. Logged Hours

VIDEO: This girl hilariously puts the “amateur” back in amateur stripping. Consumption Junction (thanks, Slack LaLane)

BLOG: You never know when you’re going to make the evening news. So, it’s probably best to not wear certain items outside the house. The Burgh Blog

BLOG: We know you mean well. We know you loved your mayor and mourn his loss. But, Pittsburgh, is waving the terrible towel at his funeral is, maybe, possibly, the best way to say, “goodbye”? (yes is apparantly the answer). The Burgh Blog

BLOG: Oh, the things you wish your friends had told you before you open your big, drunken mouth. Life Regurgitated for Your Chewing Pleasure

Easily amused

2006-09-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

“No, I get it: ‘The difference is that alcoholics go to meetings'. It’s just not funny, is what I’m saying. I mean I get it: It’s on a sign and it’s in a bar. But what you don’t get is that you’re amused a little too easily. Retards are a little harder to impress.”

VIDEO: Where were you when they built the ladder to Heaven? (a reference to this episode of ‘South Park’) You Tube

BLOG: Ken dolls for the boys who liked to play with My Little Pony. Uffish

VIDEO: A bit 9/11-ed out? Then why not try to remember where you were when you were watching “Ren & Stimpy” and first heard the song, “Log.” Devil Lucky (thanks, yesbutnotbutyes)

BLOG: Boob season is officially over. (It’s all right to cry, if you want). The Letter D

BLOG: “Battleship” was a game meant for men to play while the women were scrubbing the poopdeck. The Sneeze

WIKIPEDIA: Possibly the greatest name of all time. Wikipedia

Hangovers and such

2006-09-07T22:27:00.000-04:00

That hangover will go away. But the police report and anything where the word “actionable” can be used … well, that my friend, are memories that will always remain.

BLOG: Ever wondered what Lego porn would look like? Ever imagine that such a thing could be so funny and yet so NSFW? Lego (thanks, yesbutnotbutyes)

VIDEO: The reason crack cocaine is outlawed in this country. You Tube (thanks, Slack LaLane)

VIDEO: Ever wondered what a film adaptation of “Mary Worth” would look like? Well, if it’s filmed in black and white and mimics the comic strip panel by panel, kind of creepy. Zero TV (thanks, Boing Boing)

BLOG: Maybe you can’t find a place in your heart for Shakira, but maybe you can for the poor son of a bitch who’s got nothing else in this life but that damned CD. Waiter Rant

Loud, sexy talk

2006-09-06T19:15:00.000-04:00

“Look, I’m in the middle of a couple of hundred strangers on the streets of New York and in a kind of bubble. So, I’m going to need to start talking over the phone VERY LOUDLY and VERY UNNECESSARILY about the sex lives of all two thousand students in our New Jersey high school.

You ready?”

BLOG: Great sex demands three things: Location, context, and bruises. The Girl Also Blogs

BLOG: Nancy Drew, Veronica Mars, and Miss Marple in The Case of the Patently Obvious. Overheard in New York

BLOG: When you see something longer than it is wide, that thing is said to be “phallic”. When that thing is hanging in the Metropolitan Museum of Art and is signed, “O’Keefe”, however, that thing is said to be … ? I Fling Poo

BLOG: The thing about spellcheck is that it never works if you never use it. East Village Idiot

VIDEO: If it's painful and humiliating and, more importantly, it takes place in Japan, then it‘s probably a game show? Logged Hours

BLOG: What a truly horrible, horrible advertisement. Not "Shoah" horrible, more like Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" horrible. copyranter

Hatin' on the 'rents

2006-09-05T14:49:00.000-04:00

”So, what are you doing tonight?”

“I dunno. The check from my parents just came, so I thought I’d go out, buy a shitload of beer, drink it with some friends and end up yelling about how petty and bourgeois my parents are. Wanna come?”

BLOG: Wanted: Slave girl, willing to fuck the misses and the mister. Willing to pay above average wages and provide room and board. Must also take care of 6 month old. Grace Undressed

BLOG: When you’re a guy and you see lotion, toilet paper and a drain, your natural instinct is to, well, do what you usually do during those moments. So, what if it’s the bathroom at a dealership. fresh pepper

VIDEO: How to fuck with hippies using their beloved ‘peace’ sign. Mr. Fish

BLOG: Top ten quotes overheard in one restaurant by one very patient waiter this Labor Day weekend. Waiter Rant

BLOG: September is Mushroom Month in the great state of Pennsylvania. Or, to be precise, Not So Vaguely Phallic-Looking Mushroom Month. The Burgh Blog

VIDEO: Your deliciously evil link of the day: Watching fat kids scream for mercy is soooooo delightful --- hell, even the kid’s mother thinks so. Break.com (thanks, Slack LaLane)

Subway announcement

2006-09-01T23:55:00.000-04:00

“Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I would like to remind you not to leave any unattended bags on the subway.

Furthermore, please be advised that just because someone makes eye contact with you on the subway, doesn’t mean he or she is “in” to you (and please note, since you can’t see me, that I just made the air-quotes sign). People like to stare at other people for a variety of reasons and rarely is it due to sexual attraction.

So, please, keep your dignity --- not to mention your spotless criminal record --- and always remember to help keep New York safe.”

BLOG: Here’s a few chapters from a new children’s book on marijuana called, “It’s Just a Plant”. It’s Just a Plant (thanks, The Slumbering Lungfish)

VIDEO: Nine Inch Nails, S&M, homoeroticism, and Kirk & Spock. Devil Ducky (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

BLOG: The moment you compare their wine to a transient’s testicles, the people of Sonoma start treating you like an outcast. Vonnegut’s Asshole

BLOG: Can’t seem to get the local laundry to pay for the shirt they destroyed? These gentlemen have found the solution. El Guapo in DC

Thursday hangover

2006-08-31T10:25:00.000-04:00

“Please remember: Henderson is hung over today, so be sure to stop by his desk and engage him in as much meaningless conversation as possible.

Oh, and if you could, try and agree, beforehand, on one stupid question that everyone already knows the answer to --- and let's be sure that everyone at some point in the day asks Henderson that question."

BLOG: Why would anyone give their first-born son the name “August”? defective yeti

VIDEO: Remember the “New Zoo Revue”, the children’s show from the ‘70s? No? Well, just know that sometimes, adults who perform on kids’ shows like to let off a little steam in what the industry likes to call a “blooper”. And oh boy what a blooper this is. Devil Lucky (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

VIDEO: You’d think that people would know by now not to let a Trojan horse into their gated compound. yesbutnotbutyes

BLOG: Arab men demand their women do as they say and not as they do. A Cynical Single Kuwaiti Woman

BLOG: Need a picture of a dog doing something cute? Don’t need one but you’re bored and you’ll look at just about anything? Anonymous Midwest Girl

No posts today

2006-08-30T15:29:00.000-04:00

Candy in a Barrel will not be seen today, so that NBC can bring you this special TV event.

A warm 'hello'

2006-08-29T16:04:00.001-04:00

“And last but not least, please say ‘hello’ to our latest hire, a young go-getter, who will be leaving here in sixth months time under a cloud of suspicion.”

BLOG: The Emmys aren’t the only ones with a poor sense of timing. Anonymous Lawyer

BLOG: Here’s a little rule of courtship that always seems to work: Never, under any circumstances, casually mention how the artificial insemination is going. Uffish

BLOG: Man, I wish I had been in the boy scouts. Perry Bible Fellowship

VIDEO: TV theme songs are overrated and usually are sung by a Neville or two. Home Star Runner

VIDEO: Haven’t nerded it up in quite a while? Well, then why not watch the cast of the original “Star Trek” perform the “Camelot” song from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. That’s some heavy duty nerdin’ for ya. Devil Ducky (thanks, yesbutnobuyyes)

New hire

2006-08-28T14:51:00.000-04:00

I see we've changed our policy about inviting creepy interns back for a full-time gig.

BLOG: Oh, those sneaky Swiss and their nude-themed humor. Dominic in Southeast Asia

BLOG: Which gay childhood icon are you? Are you a Bert & Ernie or more a Peppermint Patty type? Blog Things

BLOG: A joke for anyone out there that’s probably funny if you ever took a 300-level Econ class (and remember most of it). Greg Mankiw

BLOG: A common problem with classification that many New Yorkers have. Overheard in New York

BLOG: Today’s pee-related conspiracy. Life Regurgitated for your Chewing Pleasure

Gossip

2006-08-25T23:54:00.000-04:00

If window washers and cleaning ladies pooled their resources, they’d be the new benchmark in blackmail.

BLOG: ATMs are displaying more and more attitude these days. defective yeti

BLOG: One man’s top 40 guilty pleasure rock of all time (and believe you me, there are some doozies in there). Flaming Pablum

BLOG: Think you have a sailor’s mouth? Try your hand (as it were) as a phone sex operator: You might realize that you don’t have the salty vocabulary you think you do. Grace Undressed

BLOG: I’m guessing this man doesn’t understand a lot of things.Overheard in New York

BLOG: Ever dated a ‘Sex and the City’ fan? Ever vowed you never, ever do so again? New York Punk

What to do with the trash

2006-08-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

Sure, you could carry the remains of your lunch to the trashcan. But that can is almost five feet away and you’re, well, busy.

BLOG: Worst fall fashion ad is also a much better finale for “Sex and the City”. copyranter

BLOG: Angora rabbits (yes, where sweaters come from) are fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Well, they look that way, at least. The Sneeze

BLOG: Some people, it turns out, are quite surprised when, out of nowhere, they are handed a butt plug. Vonnegut’s Asshole

BLOG: Getting Arrested for Dummies. yesbutnobutyes

BLOG: It’s never inappropriate to argue the price of a shirt if you think the store is trying to pull a fast one. Of course, there are exceptions -- like, say, if the charge is a dollar and that store is Goodwill. Restless in Suburbia

Always shower

2006-08-23T16:31:00.000-04:00

That vodka may be colorless and odorless, but your clothes from yesterday certainly aren’t.

BLOG: You know that bus ride to the IKEA in New Jersey that you keep telling yourself sounds like a good idea? You know that war in Iraq that sounded like a good idea? they call me concha

BLOG: East European always have the last laugh. (see Part II). Drunk and Single in NYC

BLOG: Searching for Mrs. Right. Overheard in New York

BLOG: Support your local third world country. Adam Smith Institute Blog (thanks, Greg Mankiw)

BLOG: Have you had your break today, beeyotch? Giant Monster (thanks, Make the Logo Bigger)

Hurting someone's feelings

2006-08-22T14:16:00.000-04:00

Fat people get so pissy when you make forklift noises behind them.

BLOG: Life as a cockroach and then a lamp -- and then a bit wherein the author expresses carnal lust for her air conditioner. Rubber Buns and Liquor

BLOG: It’s not a sexual maneuver: it’s an ice cream. The Sneeze

BLOG: More gallows humor, courtesy America’s (or my America, at any rate) favorite comic strip. Perry Bible Fellowship. And, just for shits and giggles sake, here’s one more.

BLOG: Fuck the bosses’ kids. Yeah, you heard me: fuck ‘em. Not Chosen, Just Posin’

VIDEO: Who was the best roaster at the William Shatner roast? Why, William Shatner, of course. Devil Ducky (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

I miss them already

2006-08-21T14:44:00.000-04:00

The interns have left and suddenly you realize you have to start owning up to your own mistakes again.

You knew there was something about them you liked.

BLOG: At some point in this conversation, you half expect someone to break into song: “Oh we’ve got trouble / Right here in Pharma City.” Make the Logo Bigger

BLOG: Ouch. Sometimes the truth hurts, dad. Overheard in New York

BLOG: The best (and worst) finishing moves ever in professional wrestling. Paul Katcher

BLOG: Looks like someone got a little too excited by their blow up doll (incredibly not safe for work). Eros Blog (thanks, Uffish)

BLOG: Don’t know what to do with all of those photos of you and your friends, hurdling the velvet ropes and joining a museum display? Well, now you have an outlet. Museumspotting for the Cultured Rebel (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

End of the working week

2006-08-18T23:44:00.000-04:00

Friday’s not a ‘work’ day. It’s just a ‘be there’ day.

BLOG: The homeless can ruin your mojo. East Village Idiot

BLOG: Tired of someone else tossing your salad? Ever wanted to toss your own salad? Well, now you can. For $7.50. This is What We Do Now

VIDEO: For those of you who are fans of the original, BBC production of “The Office”, here are two Microsoft training videos starring Ricky Gervais as David Brent. Ad Week (thanks, yesbutnoyes)

VIDEO: When the Great Pumpkin puts a contract out on Charlie Brown, Linus, Schroeder, Snoopy, and Lucy do their damnedest to kill him. Instead, CB exacts a kind of “Taxi Driver”-like revenge that’s not to be missed. Google Video (thanks, Boing Boing)

BLOG: Yet one more in the long list of cringe-worthy pickup lines. defective yeti

World knowledge

2006-08-17T21:21:00.000-04:00

Be sure to read a newspaper once in a while. You don’t need to know everything happening in Beirut right now -- so long as you know that it’s not happening in ‘Bay-root.’

BLOG: Help this man choose a business card. The Assimilated Negro

VIDEO: I can’t say that this is particularly funny nor particularly clever. But I can’t say I switched it off, either. You Tube (thanks, happyscrappy)

VIDEO: You can now purchase a paperback edition of “The Areas of My Expertise” by John Hodgman (“The Daily Show”). And it won’t ruin your skin. lindsayism

BLOG: Ladies, if you pick No. 3, drop me a line and we’ll talk. Waiter Rant

BLOG: Pub crawls are the source of so many wonderful, shameful memories. Why Do You Wear That Mask?

Got out of work

2006-08-16T16:40:00.000-04:00

"I don’t have to work today / Doo da, Doo da / Lied about about a fun-er-al / All the doo da day."

BLOG: One woman’s personal top 10 worst dates ever (I’m sure, regardless of gender, we’ve all had a #8). Dealing in Subterfuges.

BLOG: Bring your friends shopping for CD’s, DVD’s, various of brands of beer -- anything, really, but books. El Guapo in DC

BLOG: The three most important stories on the ‘Net today. (with props to Stacked for one). Flaming Pablum

BLOG: Ladies, getting rid of a grabby, drunk asshole at the bar is no sweat. Hell, it can even be fun. But doing so could open up a bag of insecurity worms you may not be ready for. forksplit

You're a star (of sorts)

2006-08-15T14:30:00.000-04:00

Don’t look at it as a hangover, with dark circles and hoarse, raspy voice. Look at it as your coworkers’ favorite reality TV show.

And one that never has repeats (or does, depending on how you look at it).

BLOG: It just goes from bad to worse to unintentionally gay when a construction worker sees your bare naked ass in your apartment. The Daily Dump

WIKIPEDIA: He’s William Shatner. He’s Canadian. And in honor of his upcoming Comedy Central roast, here’s proof positive that this man is also one of the funniest mother fucker’s around. (first quote) Wikipedia

BLOG: Reason No. 437 That People are Assholes: Zoos used to be so much fun. The Three-Toed Sloth

BLOG: Perhaps getting hit with bird shit is good luck after all – well, after a fashion. Waiter Rant

BLOG: Sometimes, people go just a wee bit far when expressing their love for their favorite comic book characters. Mod Blog (thanks, Boing Boing)

The Monday Morning Blues

2006-08-14T14:40:00.000-04:00

No one cares why you’re hung over on Monday morning. They understand and their sensitivity to your predicament may, in fact, carry just the slightest bit of envy.

Don’t expect the same consideration Tuesday through Friday, though.

VIDEO: The Canon in D that Pachelbel and Iron Maiden would both appreciate. You Tube (thanks, Gothamist)

VIDEO: One of the funniest SNL skits ever: Chevy Chase and Richard Pryor engage in a word association interview. Watch it before NBC finds it and has it removed. (note: possibly NSFW) You Tube

BLOG: Since Lonely Planet doesn’t make a Richmond, VA, guide, here’s all you will ever need to know about the city. El Guapo in DC

BLOG: Is it my imagination or does the first photo here look like the Ron Jeremy of pastries? Sparkwood & 21

BLOG: Remember those SNL skits about the GAP salewomen who’d say “just cinch it”? Well, the same thing happens at Bloomingdales. Logged Hours

More about napping

2006-08-11T06:57:00.000-04:00

If you want to duck out of a few hours of work, just walk everywhere with a newspaper in your hand and generally act like you just came from the bathroom.

No questions will be asked.

BLOG: Do you like white meat or dark meat when you eat baby? Brooklyn Record

BLOG: Hmm, methinks this is photo shopped (note the ‘M’ in ‘Moore’). However, methinks this is pretty funny either way. yesbutnobutyes

BLOG: Be sure to buy your little boy or little girl a Mr. Poop Head today (last item). newyorkshitty (thanks, Gothamist)

BLOG: Don’t advertise your ignorance at a concert by requesting a song by the wrong name. Mocking Music

BLOG: Perhaps right now isn’t the best time to imply that strikebreakers who work for this hospital are rats. This is What We Do Know

Cat naps

2006-08-10T20:51:00.000-04:00

Here’s a little trick of the trade: If you need to catch about ten or twenty or a full half hour of winks at work, go to the bathroom and fall asleep on the commode. It’s private, no one will bother you, and it’s too uncomfortable to let you sleep more than fives minutes at a time.

Trust me, this comes from personal experience.

BLOG: You never know what’s going to biss off a bouncer. But try. Clublife

VIDEO: A short clip of Snoop Dog listening to The Gourds’ country-twang version of “Gin and Juice”. You Tube (thanks, Slack LaLane)

BLOG: It’s no big secret that people go to art shows for the free booze. Logged Hours

BLOG: Renting a motorbike in Bolivia is just too damn f----‘in hard. (last time) Stacked

By any other name

2006-08-09T12:50:00.000-04:00

Some people are paid to sit there, not answer phones, take three-hour lunches and leave 40 minutes early (after arriving 30 minutes late).

Sometimes they’re called interns; other times, executives.

BLOG: Yes, we have a wine hutch, but no, we will not accept receipt of your hobos. Good Evening

VIDEO: The first and certainly one of the best ever Star Wars parodies: 1977’s “Hardware Wars”. Part I and Part II

VIDEO: If you’ve never seen “Bambi Meets Godzilla”, then be sure to have a little patience, remember to wipe your eyes from crying with laughter and read the credits. You Tube

BLOG: You think Mondays are miserable? Try Sundays. There’s a Blog in My Throat

BLOG: The Incredibles’ Elasti-Girl is the Dream Women for some men (and not just for the level three wizard set, either). The Sneeze

LIST: The 100 most mispronounced words in the English language. Your Dictionary (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

Broken toilets

2006-08-08T17:23:00.000-04:00

Any day now, someone is going to finally get pissed enough to tell somebody in maintenance that one of the toilets is busted.

Any day now.

BLOG: It’s best just to stay away from the bouquet, period, at a wedding (technicalities about picking it up off the floor vs. catching it don’t really matter). Anonymous Midwest Girl

BLOG: You try to be kind to old people, you really, really do. But still, sometimes … The Daily Dump

BLOG: An ode (haiku, actually) to a possibly naked cyclist on 13st. Dealing in Subterfuges

BLOG: Just how far has KISS fallen on the respectability scale? Pretty damn far. And as for the KISS Army? It’s almost as bad. (second item) Flaming Pablum