Victoria Silvstedt, snuff films, car wash, and more

TODAY'S MEMO: Sexual harassment is in the eye of the beholder (although, sometimes they catch you using your hands, too.)

BLOG: Victoria Silvstedt doesn’t mind masturbating in public. Do you mind? I thought not. I Don’t Like You in That Way

BLOG: Actors in L.A. are so desperate for work, that they’ll do anything -- even snuff films -- to put food on the table. Vonnegut’s Asshole

BLOG: If you’re in the Columbia Heights section of DC and you see someone washing their car, that doesn’t mean you need to open your mouth and say the first dumb thing that comes to mind. Dealing in Subterfuges

BLOG: Sometimes grandmas -- nice as they are -- can say a bit too much. Overheard in New York

BLOG: The Five Stages of New Jersey (for any New Yorker who has ever experienced the traffic therein). Unhappy Medium

Get Your Prog On!

TODAY'S MEMO: Some people waste their talents and their time looking up stupid shit on the Internet at all hours of the night. Others at least have a theme for their Fucking Around, which, in this case, would be Prog Rock’s Hall of Heroes (and Occasional Asshole).

Don’t know what prog rock is? Go here for a synopsis.

VIDEO: Get started with this clip of King Crimson, circa 1982, performing “Indiscipline” on the BBC show “Old Grey Whistle Test”. You Tube

VIDEO: Peter Gabriel-era Genesis gets all arty with “Dancing with the Moonlit Knight”. You Tube

VIDEO: And just because it’s such a good clip, more Peter Gabriel-era Genesis, this time with “The Musical Box”. You Tube

VIDEO: More early ‘70s noodling, this time courtesy Yes and their song, “Roundabout”. Google Video

VIDEO: And just for the hell of it, more King Crimson, this time with their song, “Red”. Google Video

VIDEO: And we can’t forget today’s prog rockers. So here’s Mars Volta performing “Cassandra Gemini”. You Tube

VIDEO: And we can’t forget about Pink Floyd either. Here they are with “One of These Days’ from “Live at Pompeii”. You Tube

VIDEO: And it might surprise you to find out that even Radiohead has prog tendencies. Try this live version of "Pyramid Song" and see what you think. Radiohead

VIDEO: And if you’re still not convinced of Radiohead’s brand of i-just-woke-up-so-piss-off brand of paranoid prog rock (note Thom Yorke’s hairstyle), then try this live version of “The National Anthem”. You Tube

VIDEO: (God, this list is looking like a prog rock song: one list with 87 parts to it) But, while I still have your attention – if I haven’t progged the rock right out of you – here’s Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, performing “Take a Pebble”. You Tube

VIDEO: We should also remember that prog isn’t just for frustrated jazz musicians. It can also be quite metal, as Tool proved with this live rendition of “Schism”. You Tube

VIDEO: But like jazz musicians, metal likes to smoke a blunt now and againn (and in terms of space-time theory, it's always Now). Take for instance, the Queens of the Stone Age and their song "Someone in the Wolf". You Tube

VIDEO: And because I feel I have to, here’s Rush with “Limelight”. You Tube

VIDEO: Because I Have To, Part II: A better name for System of a Down would have been “Assault with the Intent to Commit Stupidity”, but System of a Down it is, here seen giving themselves a reach-around with their song, “Prison”. You Tube

VIDEO: And last but not least, a lesser known, but certainly important prog act, The Nice, performing “America”. You Tube

VIDEO: OK, I lied. this is definitely the last entry – but it’s a good’un. An early incarnation of King Crimson (I know, again, but they are the Beatles of prog rock) peforming, “Larks' Tongues in Aspic” You Tube

Stolen car, graffiti, Russell Crowe, and more

TODAY'S MEMO:It was a very simple sign you posted outside your office, “Please Shut Up!” But, regrettably, it’s had the opposite effect (your bosses, for one, have been quite vocal on the topic).

BLOG: When the Central Parking loses your car, it’s going to be your fault. Talking Points Memo

BLOG: NYC graffiti that’s easy to understand. copyranter

BLOG: Your 4th-grade-level fecal joke of the day. dooce

BLOG: When you start looking like the faces on breakfast cereals, it’s time to re-grow the beard. Flaming Pablum

BLOG: Remember, when you wait tables and Russell Crowe walks in the restaurant, he’s just another guy – even if he was The Gladiator. Waiter Rant

BLOG: Happy (belated) birthday to Bugs Bunny! Sunset Parker (thanks, Brooklyn Record)

VIDEO: Seven hundred and eighty seven piece of clip art, animated in a row. 787 Cliparts (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

Puns, haircuts, Fred, and more

TODAY'S MEMO: No one likes a tattletale. That being said, they do seem to get promoted an awful lot.

BLOG: Is there nothing as groan-inducing (and funny) as a good pun? Bludja

BLOG: Western Hemisphere-types: Don’t get a haircut in a foreign land. Dominic in Southeast Asia

BLOG: Things to bitch about for the guy who has everything. Flaming Pablum

BLOG: Fred’s got issues. Overheard in New York

BLOG: Just because you’re a nerd, doesn’t mean you can’t put a little more effort into your Obi Wan outfit at Comic Con. Lore Sjöberg

Talking to kids, life in northern california, east village life, and PBS

TODAY'S MEMO: ‘Constant Comment’? Who the fuck is drinking ‘Constant Comment’?

BLOG: More children need to be talked to in this manner. Overheard in New York

BLOG: There’s sherpas in Sonoma County; some homeless guy is talking about Rip van Winkle; and Al Gore may be right – just another heatwave in northern California. Vonnegut’s Asshole

BLOG: Fact or fiction? East Village Idiot

VIDEO: There’s a controversy a-brewin’: some PBS kids show host got fired for some hilarious videos she did seven years ago that parodied abstinence PSAs. I guess the turtlenecks at PBS don’t find anything funny about anal sex and vibrators. (probably NSFW). Google Video No. 1 and Google Video No. 2 (thanks, Boing Boing)

BLOG: The top 10 professions for anyone tired of being a fireman-astronaut-president. Aspiring Comedian

Seal, trash cans, strange statues, and more

TODAY'S MEMO: Interns are totally useless creatures and should only be used as an alternative fuel source.

BLOG: Here da info a nigga need. Nigga Know Technology (thanks, The Assimilated Negro)

BLOG: Seal is one lazy muthafucka (but he is adept at bagging hot white women) The Assimilated Negro)

BLOG: Sometimes culture takes a detour: The world’s strangest statues. haha (thanks, Boing Boing)

VIDEO: Ever seen a trash can attack someone?. Crooks and Liars

BLOG: Guys, watching ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ won’t turn you into a sissy. In fact, among the film’s many finer points, you get to watch the hotness that is Anne Hathaway. The Daily Dump

BLOG: According to Maritime Law, this sailboat is up for grabs. Brooklyn Record

New York Dolls, SNL, and more ...

TODAY'S MEMO: One after-work drink won’t make you late for work tomorrow. And neither will a second -- nor a third, nor the lap dance later in the evening and not even chasing down that dealer in Washington Square Park who stiffed you.

Finding bail money, though: That could be a problem.

VIDEO: Here, better than it has a right to be, is the new New York Dolls song, “Dance Like a Monkey”. Lukira (thanks, Boing Boing)

BLOG: That’s Doctor Douchebag to you. a dude somewhere … (thanks, happyscrappy)

BLOG: Touché. Overheard in New York

BLOG: And this one’s a druid joke. Overheard in New York

VIDEO: The message here is quite simple: Don’t let the Japanese raise your kid. Osaka Daze

VIDEO: Few SNL skits in the last, oh, 15 years or so can be considered classic. This one – that hits the funny bone in that area labeled ‘stupid’ – is one of the exceptions. You Tube (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)

Pee Wee Herman, Lebowski, karaoke, and Park Slope moms

TODAY'S MEMO: You can try as much as you want, but that security officer downstairs ain’t never gonna remember who the fuck you are.

VIDEO: Pee Wee tells us that crack is whack. Screenhead (thanks, Lindsayism)

VIDEO: ‘The Big Lebowski’: The two minute, fourteen second, ‘Fucking’ version. It’s fucking hilarious, but then again, that’s just my opinion … man. Slack LaLane

BLOG: Karaoke brings the peoples of the world together better than that fucking U.N. ever could. Logged Hours

BLOG: In a match between a car and a Park Slope mom, bet on the mom. Curbed (thanks Brooklyn Record)

VIDEO: We can tell a few things from this video: 1) that exercise tapes are the best way to learn a foreign language, and 2) that the Japanese have no earthly idea what a mugger looks like. Osaka Daze

Taylor Hicks, dirty talk, 'Roadhouse', and sports bras

TODAY'S MEMO: Become good friends with the people in your human resources department: They're the ones who can tell you whether that intern is 18 or not.

BLOG: Yankees games are so much more fun when American Idol’s Taylor Hicks is sitting four seats down. The Daily Dump

BLOG: Yes, all this dirty talk and doggy-style sex is degrading to women: But if feels good, then, pardon the pun, remember that 'rules' aren’t what’s meant to be hard and fast. forksplit

BLOG: A professional in the business endorses everything you’ve seen in “Roadhouse” (and later admits he’s a bouncer who has a tough time shit-talking). Clublife

BLOG: Even women --- with their years of experience at removing bras --- may find removing a sports bra a bit difficult. The Company Bitch

Jewish mothers, sketchy artists, and more ...

TODAY'S MEMO: Summer will be over in a matter of months. But can you last that long without hitting on the fat chick/dude down the hall who has A/C in his/her apartment?

The Most Dangerous Game begins.

BLOG: You learn a lot about Jewish mothers when you’re pretending to be a Jew. Not Chosen, Just Posin’

BLOG: Better to suffer in a muggy apartment than across from a sketchy artist in heat. fauxy dot net

BLOG: This link is strictly for people who want to groan, then laugh, then groan, then laugh again. The Shame of the Sea (thanks Deleted by Tomorrow)

VIDEO: The banana is proof positive that there is a God, you stupid, stupid, atheist boobs you. You Tube (thanks Deleted by Tomorrow)

BLOG: If you ask someone to touch their nipples, usually, they do it. Osaka Daze

BLOG: This sign was located just under another one that said, “Door”. East Village Idiot

Chico Marx, more head butting fun, JDate, and URLs

TODAY'S MEMO: Maybe this is hell: It’s hot and muggy as ass outside, and so I want to stay at work.

It’s like if Sartre wrote "Office Space".

VIDEO: Chico Marx tickles the ivories. You Tube (thanks, Boing Boing)

VIDEO: I promise: This will be the last post to reference the Materazzi-Zidane head butting incident. This time, however, you can write your own subtitles and decide for yourself why it happened. Mortierbrigade (thanks, Open to Everyone)

AUDIO: J-Daters take note: Sometimes you run the risk of going out with a freakish Jewish stereotype. Break.com (thanks, Slack LaLane)

LIST: The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs. Independent Sources (thanks, Slack LaLane)

Marriott hotels, the French, schadenfreude, & fun parlor games

TODAY'S MEMO: The primary function of most work bathrooms is to provide free copies of the New York Post.

Any other usage is just bonus.

BLOG: Come stay at Marriott's Negro-free hotels! copyranter

BLOG: Meet someone who’s got a good reason for hating the fucking French. Dealing in Subterfuges

BLOG: Bad parenting skills make for great comedy. dooce

BLOG: Pretending to be an EMT is not much of a Jacobean challenge (first item). Everything is Wrong with Me

Matchmakers, vibrators, and Syd Barrett

TODAY'S MEMO: Bacon, egg, and cheese bagels don’t count against your diet --- not when you really need one.

BLOG: “Matchmaker, Matchmaker dowse you in gas / Find me no man / Light you a match!” A Single Cynical Kuwaiti Woman

BLOG: Don’t let tourists stand between you and your first vibrator. The Company Bitch

AUDIO: Maybe you weren’t a Syd Barrett devotee, but we all had that friend in high school who was. So, in memory of Syd and that friend, I give you several selections, both Floydian and solo. Music for Maniacs (and also try Funtime OK).

Beer Pong, Stephen Colbert, Peter Sellers, and more

TODAY'S MEMO: There’s always that dilemma when free food rears its ugly head at work: Do I let everyone see me as the boorish pig I am, or do I shell out money for lunch again like a noble chump? Your stomach will be fairly neutral on the point, while your wallet will be highly partisan.

The ego will have its opinion, too. But your ego don’t pay rent. So, fuck your ego.

BLOG: Know that you’re not the only person in the world who wastes his or her day IMing the company’s time away. Hopefully, you’re this funny, too. defective yeti

BLOG: Israelis don’t call it ‘Beer Pong’. Slack LaLane

VIDEO: Tumbling, with Paul Dinello, Amy Sedaris, and Stephen Colbert on the “Colbert Report”. You Tube (thanks, Slack LaLane)

BLOG: We’ve all worked summer jobs and endured that customer or potential employee who just won’t just up. Why Do You Wear That Mask?

VIDEO: Oh, Dave Chappelle, who will make our racially insensitive comedy now that you’re gone? Dead-Frog.com

VIDEO: In honor of Bastille Day, I give you the greatest Frenchman who ever lived, Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau as performed by Peter Sellers. It is the “priceless Steinway” scene from the film “The Pink Panther Strikes Again” (1976). Unfortunately, it stops, right before my favorite line (not spoken by Clouseau): “We have enough problems with France as it is, without suggesting that her greatest detective is a fool.” You Tube

Grimm Bros, Project Runway, and a poor gerbil

TODAY'S MEMO: Israel, Hamas, Lebanon: Sure, that’s bad. But we’re out of Splenda. Who’s going to solve that crisis, I ask you?

Not the U.N., I’ll tell ya that.

BLOG: More kick ass drawings from the 1920’s of the Grimm Brothers fairy tales. ASIFA-Hollywood Animation Archive Project Blog

BLOG: What we know about ‘Project Runway’, season 3, thus far … Dealing in Subterfuges

AUDIO: This is a news report on a gerbil, a cardboard tube, and a trip to the hospital. It’s one of the funnier things you’ll hear today, but your boss might not think so. So, keep this one on the down and low Armageddon (thanks, Slack LaLane)

Vodka, more Zidane, practical jokes

TODAY'S MEMO: Anyone who has half day Fridays should be shot. End of discussion.

BLOG: You got any effen Red Bull to go with that? copyranter

VIDEO: The Zidane head butt story is the gift that just keeps on giving. The Register (thanks, Richard)

VIDEO: This is qualifies as a Russian practical joke. Be sure to watch it to the very end. You Tube (thanks, Boing Boing)

Free cigs, snoring boyfriends, and more ...

TODAY'S MEMO: You can’t keep saying “insomnia” when someone at work asks about the circles around your eyes and the frog in your throat.

Not with those pants around your ankles, you can’t.

BLOG: Stop asking for free cigarettes, you alleged ex-smokers. Afraid of the Dark

BLOG: Among the many things that men won’t remember is how they prevented their girlfriends from getting a good night’s sleep. The Company Bitch

VIDEO: Remember those PSAs of yore for kids that, by today standards, seem kind of fucked up? Happy Scrappy

VIDEO: And exactly what the hell did they expect would happen would they played a hand of poker inside a rodeo ring? Czabe (thanks, Slack LaLane)

VIDEO: Here’s yet another tape of yet another kid who’s about to become a laughingstock on the Internet. This time it’s a fat kid and he’s dancing to Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy”. Break.com (thanks, Slack LaLane)

VIDEO: For anyone looking to have some laugh’s at Zidane’s expense, I give you Mortal Kombat: Zidane and Zidane pong. Rantings of a Sandmonkey

VIDEO: This is George W. Bush’s United States of Whatever. My U.S. of Whateva (thanks Yesbutnobutyes)

BLOG: How do you get a job at a Jewish magazine? Why, by pretending to be a Jew, of course. Not Chosen, Just Posin’

Phallic cones, porn titles, and more ...

TODAY'S MEMO: You keep trying to explain to the intern that “Standup Comic #5” on “VH1’s Silliest Awards Show Moments Ever” is no celebrity.

But they’re young.

BLOG: Maybe it’s my imagination, but I swear those two ice cream cones look like two big black … Rantings of a Sandmonkey

BLOG: And more porn titles than you can shake a … well, you know, at. Yesbutnobutyes

BLOG: This house is alive! Yesbutnobutyes

BLOG: Just because the credit card company says you’re a V.I.P. doesn’t mean you’re worth shit. Waiter Rant

BLOG: This post has lots of fart humor. Good, ol’ fashioned fart humor. The Daily Dump

Misogyny, coupledom, loud remarks, and Zidane head butts Materazzi

TODAY'S MEMO: If you haven’t been to the dentist in a while, maybe you should go again. Say, Wednesday until next Monday – just be sure to not come back with as much of a tan this time.

BLOG: Ladies, this man is free. Clublife

BLOG: Once you move in together, there’s no “my” anything. Opinionistas

BLOG: No one cares about what you had for lunch, but they do care about whom you voted for. Overheard in New York

VIDEO: Oh, and here’s that World Cup Finals headbutt everyone is talking about. The French Guy nails the Italian Guy. You Tube (thanks, Paul Katcher)

Joe Biden, reefs, doug williams, PBF, Bros. Grimm

TODAY'S MEMO: There’s a new guy in the office today. He’s here from the Phoenix branch and seems to be on a first name basis with a helluva lot more people than you are. In fact, suddenly you’re getting six coffees instead of five.

And he wants his cream on the side? What's with that that shit?

VIDEO: Sen. Joe Biden (D-Idiot) of Delaware will bring his foreign policy expertise -- not to mention a knowledge of Indians and their predilection for 7-11’s -- to his ’08 presidential campaign. National Journal (thanks, Drudge Report)

BLOG: The urban reef. Open to Everyone

VIDEO: Ever seen someone embarrass himself so dramatically, you feel as if you should walk out of the room? Would you like to? Because that’s just what this guy did at Shaquille O’Neal’s roast of Emmitt Smith. This is a long one (5 min. 38 sec.), but if you stay with it, I guarantee: You’ll walk out of the room. You Tube (thanks, range life)

BLOG: The latest installment of everyone’s favorite comic strip. Perry Bible Fellowship

BLOG: Need something kind of kick ass to brighten your otherwise dreary day? Well, would you settle for the ‘kick ass’ part of that and just forget about the ‘brighten’ part? ASIFA-Hollywood Animation Archive Project Blog

Entertaining clients, Eddie Murphy, and stolen credit cards

TODAY'S MEMO: Sure, you’re hair is going everywhere and no you didn’t shower this morning and yes, maybe, that is yesterday’s shirt and pants you’re wearing. But do I think anyone at work noticed those things any more than the cold sweats and dark circle around your eyes?

Of course not.

BLOG: Between moaning and misogyny, when entertaining foreign clients, hope that your coworker chooses the former. A Cynical Single Kuwaiti Woman

VIDEO: In honor of white people everywhere, “Kill the White People” by Eddie Murphy back in his riotiously funny SNL days. The Assimilated Negro

BLOG: What won’t people do for Oscar Peterson CD’s? fresh pepper?

Have a happy 4th

TODAY'S MEMO: ... And I will see you again, sometime late Thursday afternoon.

Cheers,
John

Nude beaches, Argentinians, Ted Stevens, and Mr. Belvedere

TODAY'S MEMO: You came into work half an hour late today, because you felt you deserved the 3rd off as well (“Jefferson didn’t write it in a day, did he?” you argued to yourself). And now that it’s just you and your boss and no one else, you wonder if maybe you should have gone to grad school.

BLOG: Tips for when you go nude beaching. fresh pepper?

BLOG: A brief explanation on why the rest of the Latin world hates Argentina. El Guapo in DC

BLOG: Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Idiot) of Alaska doesn’t quite get this “internet” thing. Thank God, he’s on the Senate Commerce Committee. 27B Stroke 6

VIDEO: And for no particular reason, here’s the theme to “Mr. Belvedere” You Tube (thanks, yesbutnobutyes)